Long and Introspective Thoughts

Warning: if you just want to read about Italy/ don't care about/ aren't comfortable with reading my rambles about how I've been doing beyond traveling and classes, then don't continue. Just saying.

One is a Solitary Number

Like just a number of others I know from home who are studying abroad, I have found my time to be spent primarily alone (this applies less to those to whom I’ve talked who are in Japan who have gone with a significant group of previously-known friendly faces). This seems somewhat antithetical to the study abroad experience, as the point is to learn about another culture and, often, another language. But if you don’t have a host family who intentionally bring you into their lives, and are instead just having to go about daily life routines and classes and schoolwork by yourself, then, that is how you are – by yourself. Schedules don’t line up so easily with others around as they do at college, between farflung living locations, class times, different phases of life, different expectations for interactions, etc. etc. etc. It is of course possible to make time to interact, but much harder to run into people or to arrange those intentional meetings. This is at least my experience and somewhat shared by others with whom I’ve talked about this. I’m just glad that I do intentionally make time to hang out with or talk to others (like Leah! and when our schedules line up, Gardenia or Aurora), because otherwise I might go crazy.

Having to take care of myself and spend so much time by myself has allowed me to learn –how- to take care of myself and be alone, two things which I previously was not very good at at all. This summer, I realized that for the previous 5 years, I had had either a significant other or a very good friend with whom I had long conversations at least several times a week, and in some periods of time, every day, multiple times a day. I could call them or run to their room/house or talk online most anytime I really needed to do so, and so got used to being able to rely on someone else to help me figure things out. And those 5 years, being part of highschool and the first half of college, involved a lot of figuring things out and growing up. But there are some things that a person needs to do by themselves, and this summer I realized that a number of those things I simply hadn’t done well enough by myself to understand myself as well, or be as strong a person as I could be at this point in life, having often relied on someone else for part of my strength.

And as some of you know, I have a tendency to be, uh, well, clingy, affectionate to those I care about, and sometimes quite dependent on those around me. So, finding myself unexpectedly single and unable to talk to people as often as I wanted because of language school put me in a crash course for learning how to be more independent and dealing with high-stress situations. I perhaps permanently lost some friends in the process, but got to better know myself, how people –can- work, and some of my other friends. I am so grateful that Alison, Will, Lizzie-Hannah, Toby, Andrew and Leah were on campus, for when I could make it out of Arabic School to see them, that my small handful of Arabic School friends were helpful, and that my parents were very supportive as usual. (And other friends I got to talk to on rare occasions.) I had to be way more independent than before, but at least they made me a safety-net, and helped me through being hurt and confused sufficiently that I could actually not only make it through Arabic school well, but could deal with coming here to Italy. And I did make it through that, and am probably a stronger person for it, even if it frankly felt like hell at the time.

I learned how to open up to friends and have good conversations with them without having to rely on them as much. I know I feel healthiest with close friends and my family and good conversations on a regular basis – the drastic way in which such things can better my mood here has proved that without a doubt. But now I –can- spend long periods of time by myself. I can better deal with stressors on my own, and sit down and think about what’s going on, what I can do to fix the problem, and how to (at least often) have the patience to let time do its thing. This doesn’t always work, and I don’t know if it ever will completely. But it’s a start, and this is a good thing.

It probably also helps that, as frustrating as being in Italy and dealing with all that that entails can sometimes be, there are in general fewer things to really worry about here. Not having daily homework assignments has its problems, which I mentioned in my last post, but it also allows me to do thinking about some more long-term situations or “the bigger picture”, as I don’t have as many time-immediate things to think about. Not having a whole lot of a social life here, although sometimes really lonely in a negative way, does indeed greatly reduce the opportunity for social drama, or for having to regularly deal with people whom I’d rather not have to see all the time. Sometimes it drives me crazy and makes me long for my family or for my second family of friends and for the sense of community I found so well in Middlebury. But sometimes I’m glad for the chance to have a quiet day and just do my own thing like think or wander or write a blog entry, or for the knowledge that on my own I can manage with the practical bits of life (so far) and deal with the more abstract emotional issues that any 20 year old college student post-dramatic-summer might have or think about thinking and how to deal with such issues. That’s a pretty good feeling, when I can get it through my head that I have that self-control. It comes and goes all the time, but this is one of the better moments, so I figured it was a good time to write it out, in case I need a reminder later on. I am Emmons and I can do this!

Turn, Turn, Turn!

I’m a fan of the kinetic sculpture philosophy, even if I can’t always stick to it. This is something that my mommy told me years ago, and has stuck with me ever since, and which I know I’ve mentioned to a handful of you. We have a large collection of mobiles/kinetic sculpture (sculpture that moves, for anyone who doesn’t know) in our home in Mountain Lakes. Some are little and sit on tables. Some are medium-sized and hang from the ceiling. And some are several tons and in our yard and make our house known as the one with the big colorful moving things in the yard (which made giving directions as a kid to my house pretty easy, ha). One of my family’s favorite artists is Alexander Calder, the inventor of mobiles. So I grew up surrounded by and very aware of these things; they are distinctly a part of my life, and so it was easy to integrate a philosophy with mobiles as the symbol into my point of view. This summer and being here has ingrained it waay more thoroughly for me than it was before though. (Indeed, the gallery in the Middlebury Museum this summer with a Calder and some really interestingly engineered kinetic pieces was a regular refuge of mine. The fact that it had a window seat and was a peaceful place to do homework also helped. :) )

This philosophy has to do with the fact that everything changes. (We’re not going into a discussion on an everlasting God/Mystery/Karma/platonic essences, etc. existing or not at this point; I’m referring to parts of life in the more earthly sense.) Life is constantly changing. And when things are going badly, they will change and get better again, so have hope; you can make it through it, even if it takes a while. And when things are going well, something bad will eventually happen, so you better appreciate what good things you have while they last. It’s simple, and easier said than done, but it’s a nice little piece of positive thinking that is also rather practical. It’s amazing what it can do when you just focus on these three simple points. And since mobiles are always moving, they make a good metaphor for the constantly changing nature of the world, and an often comforting one – besides being sheerly awesome to watch and and having interesting engineering. :) One could also think of the song “Turn, Turn, Turn!” and the associated Bible passages for a similar viewpoint, come to think of it.

The Italian “boh!” point of view (first explained here: http://elisabetta-in-italia.blogspot.com/2008/09/city-of-silence.html) is similar to this, except it seems now to be more on the apathetic side of things, rather than mainly being patient and optimistic, which dissatisifies me. But given that the Italians often have this attitude from what I can tell (I don’t have much social life, but I’ve had enough conversations/people watching to get this quite strong impression), and therefore don’t bother to fix the difficulties and disorder of their world, the way to survive here is to adopt a similar point of view. Visiting Italy for short periods of time might not give one a full appreciation of this, but living here certainly does. When I can keep it in mind, the kinetic philosophy does just fine by me. That doesn’t mean not standing up for things you believe in if necessary or trying to change the things you have control over; that’s a lesson I got from my parents and from Palladino that I doubt I’ll forget. But rather just trying to not getting upset about all the little things that could be potentially upsetting.

There are some of those longer-term things I wrestle with on a regular basis, and which sometimes pull apart my resolve and optimism and make me really wish I could change things I can’t. But in general, time is doing its thing and trends are in a positive direction, quite thankfully.

Books!

Ferrara in particular isn’t so bad. I just don’t feel connected to the city or to the Italians very deeply at all (I am so not an Italian. An Italian-American, yes. An American, definitely. But not an Italian, and ain’t that good.) One of the things I like the most about Ferrara is that it is good for leaving and for returning to – it has easy access to a number of places I want to visit, and is quiet enough that it is reassuring to come back to after a busy journey. But it is a kind of odd city, as I’ve mentioned before, and although it is small and sometimes quaint and interesting, it is afterall a city – an environment which has never been my comfort zone. I am still enjoying wandering around when I get the chance, although I need to remember to bring my camera with me more often.

I also just finished reading one of the two English books I brought with me for refuge-reading. It’s about the classical history of the Egyptian city of Alexandria, and focuses on the dozens of intriguing leaders, philosophers, scientists, generally brilliant thinkers, and the rise and fall of this intellectual capital of the ancient world. I thought it was well written and a fun excursion into history. Yes, it stops before the development of the strong Arab culture there now, but I don’t think that detracts from the entertainment and thought-provoking nature of reading about the original character of the city of Alexander the Great. It’s also been a nice way to get away from Italian when I, say, get really tired of too many “ciao’s” and not being able to catch the nuances of most of what I read in Italian. Rereading Harry Potter 7 for the first time, and in Italian (I Doni della Morte), has been quite fun, too. Unlike last summer (after freshman year and only one year of Italian) when I read the first book and several hundred pages of the 5th in Italian rather slowly, it actually goes pretty quickly, allows me to pick up on idioms and speech habits relatively easily. I can get the jokes! I can pause to think about the more unusual turns of speech and rejoice when I get them! The storyline is easy to follow! The translations of magical terms are amusing! These are all good things, and don’t even mention the nostalgic comfort of the Harry Potter stories. So, I say yay for all of that. Oh pleasure reading, how I’ve missed you so at Middlebury. I like doing scholarly research, but popular history and important-to-kid-hood fiction can just be so refreshing.

So, yeah. These last two posts were pretty big updates on my life in general at this point, and if you made it down this far in the reading, then good for you and thanks for your patience with my rambling! (I think the rambling has been strongly tied to the whole not talking to people much part of being here, for better or worse.) Later on, I will put up my Project365 pictures from yesterday and today. In recap, sometimes things are pretty tough being here, but I try to see that all as being part of the learning experience, and am (for now) doing decently in general and sometimes even doing surprisingly well. Sometimes.

Well, I send you all good vibes, hugs, and to the relevant few of you, some tentacle waves. Until next time.

- Emmons